» Weekly Writing Challenge: In An Instagram

I remember I was lying on a hard bed in the surgery room of the maternity ward. A male nurse put a mask on my face and asked me to count backwards from ten. I blacked out at nine. Then, I remember someone shouting out at me and me not being able to respond. I could hear my own voice but soon realized that my lips weren’t moving even though I was speaking. A huge palm of a hand landed on my face, but I didn’t feel anything. My head turned to the other side though because my blurred view changed. Slowly I came to.

My first words: “How is she? Is she ok? Is everything ok?” A nurse was holding and stroking my hand, telling me in a soft soothing voice that everything was ok. My head was throbbing. Such pain, I had never experienced. I told the nurse and she checked my blood pressure, which was very high. Suddenly, five or six people where all over me, fixing my tubes and the medications issued. The headache slowly subsided. “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I want to see her first. Make sure that she’s ok.” Tears running down my cheeks and sobs coming out my whole existence. Panic. Sheer terror. “I DON’T WANT TO DIE BEFORE I SEE HER!!!!” The nurses were trying to calm me down – apparently used to this kind of reaction  – and finally I gave in. All I had to do was wait in that horrible monitoring room until they made sure I was all right and then they would take me to my room.Image

Her smell was the first thing I noticed as they brought her in. I don’t know how that’s possible but that’s how it was. Her smell. That delicious, familiar smell. Then, this small, red creature in my arms. A part of me, being inside me for nine months, now in my arms. My tears wouldn’t stop. If I were a cartoon there would definitely be a lake on the floor and me in a boat. Although she was so tiny, she was the BIGGEST thing I had ever witnessed. I felt so relieved that I made it. I was now holding her. Now I couldn’t die. I had a cause: to take good care of her; nurture her; bring her up; die FOR her if necessary. I was no longer the leading lady of my life. SHE was and I was deliriously happy about it. “Unconditional love”. This is what I felt at that moment. I realized its meaning. Giving your life for somebody else’s didn’t sound so fictional anymore. Motherhood. Now I knew.



15 thoughts on “» Weekly Writing Challenge: In An Instagram

  1. That smell…it is (I believe) the way moms and babies bonded from time immemorial. I’ve seen it so often – show mom the baby, and there is a smile. When she smells him/her, the tears come. Thanks for sharing such a sacred memory…

    • It’s so nice that you understand. I decided to share this because it was definitely a moment that changed my life forever and the way I perceive others and myself. Thank you!

  2. This post reminds me of both my children’s births. Thanks to inciting the trip down memory lane! Thanks for sharing.

  3. This is your crystalline moment, and you’ve described it so well. I never had children, but I can feel and understand what it must be like from your description. How old is your daughter now?

    • Marina is now fifteen. When she was four I divorced and thought my life as a spouse was over. Maybe I’d have a few boy-friends but that would be it. Then two years after I met the man of my life. Within four years we had another three children, so now I’ve got a handful (now they are 7, 6 & 3).
      The experience though of the first child is indescribable. This first time really changes your perspective of things. You are no longer number one in your life. You always put yourself last. Truth is I miss myself but when I look at my children I forget it in an instant. 🙂

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